Last Friday my friend D asked me if he could take me out and split the bill with me, referencing le douche. The conversation went downhill from there …
D: Did he at least open the door for you?
P: No.
D: That’s probably because you were lagging behind counting all your money.
P: It takes a long time to really get a good fire going for all the Benjis I had to burn!
D: That’s why God made fire, so we lawyers could burn our excess money when we get bored … I wallpapered my office in Benjamins last week. It looks bad ass.
P: That’s so lame. I did my whole HOUSE.
D: I was going to do my whole house, but neighbors got mad because I parked one of my yachts in their dock so they reported my decorating to the HOA Apparently the green money didn’t match the color scheme on my pool house so I wasn’t allowed to do it.
P: Bitches. They don’t get the nuvo riche.
D: No, but they will. I’ve worked like a sled dog for months to get my money. If I have to, I’ll buy their respect. I mean, I was on TMZ with Ke$ha damnit. They can’t treat me like that!
P: Tosh.0 would understand.
D: Hell yeah he would. And he’d probably even comment on how cool my cardigan looked. And yes, it came from Nordstroms. I buy all my cheap sweaters there.
P: What’s the ultimate yachting experience on the Mediterranean? Paul Allen’s 414 ft Octopus.
D: I wouldn’t classify a 414 ft boat as a “yacht”. Something that small is more like a run-about boat.
P: Well, this is true. If I’m there it makes his look like a dinghy.
D: I was going to ask which one of your yachts you were talking about. But all 4 of yours are well over 700 feet. But it’s cool that you can land your jet on it.
P: You need to come out on my newest yacht soon! Thomas Keller just opened two 3-michelin starred restaurants on it. It’s REALLY good food.
P: And now I have a submarine. Stealth is the new black.
D: Ooh, see … I don’t have a submarine yet. I’m such trailer trash.
P: You are. This is why you weren’t invited to summer with us in Maine. That and the incident with Mrs. Ruthington’s daughter.
D: Which really pissed me off, because as of last December, I own Maine. And regarding Mrs. Ruthington’s daughter: (1) She told me she was 18, and (2) I am not the one who put the entire 4 hour video on the internet.
P: It was still awkward to watch you dressed up as a sexy chicken. Although, I admit, no one forced me to watch the strip tease sequence. But we were bored in the BVI so what could we do?
D: Well, according to the web counter, someone from your IP address watched the sequence 119 times. But who’s counting? I just assumed you were bored.
P: I was set up.
D: I’m sure by Alexander. He was all bent out of shape when you wouldn’t “go sailing” with him. Then he got pissed at me when he found out you “sailed” with me. But since I wasn’t invited to Maine this year, I had to summer in Connecticut. Do you know how embarrassing that is?!
P: Very. I’m not sure I can associate with you since you vacation in Hartford now.
D: I don’t vacation there by choice. I’m already humiliated enough. They have PUBLIC beaches there. Disgusting. I was NOT raised in a barn.
P: That’s right. It was a manger in Bethlehem.
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